What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
