remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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