Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize