woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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