when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
