Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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