your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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