I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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