I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
