apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
