I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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