Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
