1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
