I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
