I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
