Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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