you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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