I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
