I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
