so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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