you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
