my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
