i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
