I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love having hate sex.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
