Got a toothbrush?
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
