I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
