dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
All the doctor said was why
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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