Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
