Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
