Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it hurts more in the daytime
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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