It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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