This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
