dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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