even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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