Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think people are normalizing furries
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
