So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
