walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize