batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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