if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
