He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
