I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
