In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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