She's JV to your varsity
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
