So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
