This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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