i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
