she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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