I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
