at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
