my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm both gender and math confused
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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