Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
