Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
