Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
