her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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