I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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