I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
